Ms Manners can tell you the etiquette of which fork to use at a dinner party or explain the protocol for an elaborate wedding, but who will tell you about sexual etiquette?
There are guidelines to ensure we treat our lovers and playmates with kindness, decency, playfulness and pleasuring. We It has been stated many times, people do not communicate with each other very well, so I am making a presumption that your mother did not share sexual etiquette with you.
Swinging is a social activity. We were chatting with a couple and they asked what to expect at a party. I told them the environment is meant to be one of social warmth and belonging. We find it so pleasurable to meet new people, friends and acquaintances at a party or on line. The appeal of swinging is truly understood when the social experiences are complimented by enjoyable sexual experiences.
When we started swinging we did not know what we did not know. I was very surprised by the wonderful reception and friendliness of swingers. As with any social situation there are rules of expected behavior. To make yourself welcomed within the swinging community, here are some rules of sexual etiquette.
REMEMBER THE GOLDEN RULE: The golden rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is a good thing. The platinum rule is even better. The platinum rule is “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” Sound confusing? This is how it goes. Remember, we do not all like the same things. So if you like your nipples twisted and you think “oh golden rule” and twist my nipples, Ouch! I am not going to like it. However if you have taken some time to know me you know I do not like that so you do something I do like; kiss my nipples or lick them but no twisting.
EXCELLENT PERSONAL HYGIENE: Before meeting a couple or going to a club did you take the time to make yourself desirable? In swinging you meet new people all the time – so stay attractive. Nothing is better for keeping you on that diet, or staying healthy then the prospect of a party. If you do not take the time to make yourself desirable, is it fair to ask for or expect sex? To put it in the words of one of our friends “I take the time to get all dressed up, look desirable, shower, shave and brush my teeth, I do not want to be approached by someone who is sloppy and un-kempt.”
Excellent personal hygiene is imperative. It is good to always freshen up after a night of dancing or playing. Joan approached us once at a party and she was excited to be getting some terrific attention from several men. She asked “how to you tell someone he has body odor?” “I really like him and he is fun to dance with but as the night gets later, the smell gets stronger.” It is never easy to say “hey go shower!” Would it be too obvious to have a bar of soap and place it on their table? Probably not. One way is for couples watch out for each other. Be sure you are close enough to do a body and breath check. We always have our own personal toiletries with us. Some clubs do provide stuff but we always feel fresher using our own things. Few things will kill ardor more quickly than body odor.
TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER: Everyone has the right of refusal. You should not swing with a person unless you want to, and they do not have to swing with you. NO always means NO. Coercion has no place in free, healthy and playful sexual interactions. To pressure someone by threats or making them feel unworthy constitutes a kind of sexual blackmail. Even saying “come on, you will like it” or “why not?” is rude and prohibited behavior. One New Year’s Eve in the after-hours party we heard a lady say no to a gentleman and then we heard her say it again more emphatically. We took the man to the elevator, threw his clothes at him and said “You have until the first floor to get dressed.” NO MEANS NO. Be honest with yourself regarding your feelings and expect others to do the same. Do not say “maybe later”, if you really mean no.
When you say yes be enthusiastic and honest. We asked a couple to play one time and she said “OH my yes! This will be so fun!” That made us feel great. When you say no be tactful and courteous. “no thank you.” or just “No.” Most people prefer if you are upfront and honest. Accept refusal graciously. We all need to be realistic, we are not attracted to everyone and everyone will not be attracted to us. But the great part is there are plenty of people who will be eager to play. In a side note … be sure the yes you heard is a yes and not just your wishful thinking. Be sure you have received full consent to sex or some form of sexual play.
No is a powerful word even though it is so small. When you hear no you just move on to another couple or single. You do not take the opportunity to stalk or keep after. Even if you later see the desired person naked in a play room … hey you have already been told NO. At most Lifestyle functions there are plenty of play mates to choose from. If you are too pushy .. people will start to talk about the uncomfortable position you put them in. I guess I cannot say it enough. NO means NO and always means NO.
ALCOHOL AND DRUGS: I will start this section by stating the obvious. Sexual impropriety can be fought in court… a drug bust will cost jail time and can shut a Lifestyle function down. It is a universal prohibition of illegal drugs at any swingers clubs. It is a safety issue as well as basic survival.
A lifestyle function is designed to provide interaction with other couples and singles and provide the opportunity for pleasure. Couples, singles or club owners do not want to spend that time taking care of a drunk or someone who is high. The abuse of alcohol is unproductive. Many new couples help fortify their courage with drinking. This is OK, but remember, moderation. Alcohol and emotional situations tend to be difficult. You may finally be in a situation to fulfill a fantasy and are unable to sexually perform. This occurs more frequently than you might think – a man (yes, it’s usually the guys) has an opportunity to play with other people that he finds attractive, and can’t get it up because he has had too much to drink. You can imagine how embarrassing that would be.
As a rule swinging is a secret life for many couples and singles. What we do is not illegal; it just upsets a lot of people. We do not apologize for what we believe and practice; but are very aware of the social stigma still placed on us. Lifestyle people are conscious of the need to protect themselves from any action or situation that could draw attention and possible legal problems. Given the number of lifestyle couples that are professionals, the abuse of alcohol and drugs can be a serious issue. The abuse of alcohol and use of recreational drugs may get you kicked out of a party, and will get you alienated from couples not willing to jeopardize their situation.
There is a correlation between the use of IV drugs and the spread of aids. Since there are inherent risks in this lifestyle, we try to minimize unacceptable levels of risk. Any form of drug use and the abuse of alcohol will get you removed from most swinger’s A list.
Enjoy your encounters with play couples and singles and always be good-mannered and respectful